Jan 22, 2014

distress.

Hello there and welcome to Negative Nancy's blog of negative things. 

Just kidding, it's still Erinn. 

Well, not kidding about the negative part. 

Is it a January thing? You start out the month with so much promise of a new year and then the third week settles in with disappointment? The bright hopes and dreams start to tarnish as a less shiny reality settles in?
(drrraaammmaatttiiccc)

Maybe it's just me. Uncertainty is something that really eats at me and kills my productivity. I was totally movin and shakin too but all of a sudden, I've hit a wall. 
Not knowing if Chris is getting out of the Navy or not really scares me. 

Fear is a paralytic that I can't shake.

(it's funny because I said those exact words to one of my tap classes last week and how they need to shake it off. Basically I'm a dirty hypocrite)

I can work with anxiety and depression. I can get through being a little manic from time to time. I know the soothers and the steps to take to get through those things. How to use it even to be better.

Fear though...I got nothin. 

Actually, I have misplaced blame and resentment to go with fear. I have the wrong people to label at fault and the feeling that I'm being gnawed at whenever August crosses my mind. I have bad body image (not just at the outward appearance of it but also about my physical limitations) despite being really great about being at the gym 2-3 times a week and going to dance class. I have other people to be annoyed with when the give me their sob stories about why they can't go through with something even though I have to keep on keepin on. I have unmeasured and uneven reactions to most things actually. 

That's what I have right now.

I have a lot of really good things, too but Fear is a nasty bitch and nay-sayer. I just needed to write this all out in the hopes of some peace. Slay the dragon...or something? I think my Fear can be talked to death so that's what I'm doing through blogging, journaling and talking. 

I guess, when it comes to fear, maybe I do have an edge. 

Maybe. 

5 lovely responses:

Jane said...

Ugh I so know how you feel. Stress and fear absolutely incapacitate me. It stinks. I'm so sorry, I hope things clear up and you're able to function again.

Jen said...

:( I can relate to this so much!

Jen said...

Sorry you're so stressed. :(

Julie Monroe said...

I feel you! Especially the misplacing blame part, I'm very guilty of that.

Fran said...

ugh, I'm sorry dude. Fear really is a bitch

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