I love you.

 Last night, I climbed into bed before you with the excuse I couldn't take the outside world anymore that day. You let me go like you always do without question. 20 minutes later the nook of your arm where you shoulder meets your chest found my head and we laid like that just reading. I the Time Traveler's Wife and you Boyd which is a biography about a manic, military great. Every so often you quoted me a line or two as I listened to you breath. I did the same thing for you to be apart of my book too. We went on like that for half and hour more. It was perfection. 

Earlier that evening you had a therapy session where you made a big decision about your health and where we go from here. When you told me, I was (and am) so proud of you for taking a stand. When you told me how the plan involved me taking a stand too, I was happy at first and then sad. Sad because I haven't made a fuss sooner.

The more I thought about it the more I realized how I live and die each day with your pain. When you smile or laugh I'm a million miles high. When you clutch your chest doubled over or sit staring blank because you can't manage to do anything else, I'm 6 feet under. This isn't the life we should be leading. The life we should be leading is that half hour time last night when we were reading. It's the time we spent in Alaska that was full of good things, light, laughter, and family. 

The time is coming soon for a meeting with your doctors and superiors. The difference is this time, I'll be there. I hope they realize I don't suffer fools or those who waste my time. What they don't know is by progloning your treatment, they have wasted the time which is most important to me. The time that should've been spent leading the lives we should be leading. Part of me hopes they underestimate me. The whole of me just wants them to see your pain and my pain aren't real or a projection of your subconcious.

The pain is real.  

I'm sorry for keeping my mouth shut and not standing up sooner. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You're so brave and so good. I will try harder to be the same for you. 

You are my for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
My north, my south, my east, my west. 

and

I love you.