Struggles

Right now I'm struggling with a lot of things. Dance recital is in the forefront of my mind though. It's tough not wanting to let down the kids, parents and other teachers. I feel like I'm always behind somehow. Missing the beat over and over. Mostly it's on me though...the struggling. I put a lot of pressure on myself that comes from mostly no where. 

I'm also struggling with my fitness. I'm not doing enough. I don't want to spend money but I also hate working out by myself. Chris is just getting back into working out so we can't work out as much as I need to. Dance has made me dependent on the energy of others in order to work out hard. 

I've been struggling with balance as well lately. My mom saw this last week and offered to bring me home for memorial day weekend. So I took her up on the offer. I never went home for Thanksgiving or any short holiday like that so figured I should take advantage of it while I can :) I'm going to try really hard to unplug for 4 days. Not spend any time on the computer unless I need to so I can enjoy Alaska and friends while I can. It's the perfect timing and I can't wait. 

So that's where I am these days! Struggling just like everyone else . 

The problem with me.

The problem with me come from the fact that I have 2 jobs that serve others in a direct way. Whether it be patients or students, I am there to help them or make them better. I love both jobs most days. Even when it's frustrating there is always a silver lining that finds it way into my day whether it be another teacher to the resuce in a costume crisis or having a vent sesh with either of my bosses. 

However, my jobs make it hard to define when taking care of myself is more important then taking care of them. I've never been good at allowing myself to take a break or to know when to stop. I'm always afraid that I'll appear selfish or high matinence and neither are things I want to be. There's also the problem of Chris who is judgemental about me spending money on self care. I've created a culture in our relationship that I don't need much (which I don't) but when something comes up that I do want to spend some money on, it's as though I've just told him I'm blowing 1000 bucks at the spa for a day. I don't think it's fair but I understand why he reacts that way. Just something we need to work on. 

Annnyways. 

Besides all ofthat, I think that my students loans getting paid off is a huge priority to me so I hate taking time off for any reason whatsoever. If I don't get paid, I don't have money to make student loan payments AND contribute to our shared bank accounts. I frequently say that my 4 years of college are worth every cent but it does make it hard for me to justify not being at work for any reason. 

And there you have it. 

Blog a day in may: A Happy List

1. Chris. Most days

2. Dance. Most days

3. Music. Specifically 90's/early 2000's music lately

4. Time spent in Alaska

5. Good food with good friends. (and I enjoy them seperately as well) 

6. Tango, Moose and Vesta. Our monsters :) 

7. Hard work paying off

8. Teaching

9. Helping others especially at my office job. 

10. Reading (I actually wrote reading list first instead of Happy list for the title :P)  

Let's be goodreads friends!

Just reading this makes me happy :)

Blog a day in May: A public apology

I'm really sorry I keep doing this to you. I'm sorry I never say no. I'm sorry I let things get behind. I'm sorry I procrastinate. I'm sorry I don't check the small details. I'm sorry I didn't eat as well I should've last week. I'm sorry the blanket on the bed isn't quite big enough for two. I'm sorry I take you for granted. I'm sorry I think you're as young and resisliant as you use to be. I'm sorry I get so bored doing exercises by myself. I'm sorry I don't stay off the computer more. I'm sorry I think you're invinsible. I'm sorry I don't make the time to get adjusted more often. I'm sorry I put other people's needs before yours.     I'm sorry that I promise to change all these things and it only happens in baby incriments.

Body, I'm just really sorry. Thanks for hanging in there though and giving much needed reality checks from time to time. I love you.

Love,
Me. 

Blog a day in May: I miss...

It's hard to write a post about things I miss. I don't do a lot of missing and I don't have a lot of important people that have gone missing in one way or another. I'm really fortunate in that way. The biggest hole in my heart has been left by Alaska. While I've gotten use to the idea of Washington being home too, Alaska is still number 1. Especially Alaskan summers where we can walk out of the house at 1 in the morning to sunlight that looks to be more 7 at night. Where there a King Salmon to be caught and rivers to walk in. Where you can go mud sliding and walk though a forest full of animals. Where there are restaurants on the most beautiful bay that have the best happy hour to enjoy with friends. Where there are swing sets, hammocks and jet skiing on the lake. Where there are markets and the best tourists ever who come to see what makes Alaska the way it is.  Where the most ridiculous things that only happen in movies happen. Where we laugh, read, and listen to music until the summer sun fades into fall. Where there are rum and cokes, good beer, good food and the best friends. Where there was no other time the phrase "and we were infinite" made the most sense. 

The more I write about it the more I miss the land of the midnight sun. It's been 2 years since I've been back there and felt the carefree feelings that only an Alaskan summer can give me. I get my Alaskan summer this year though and better yet I get with Chris and our two friends. They don't really know what they are in for, I think. They don't really know just how special it all is to experience summer the way I have.

I'm ready to not miss it anymore.